I’m in over my head
A couple nights ago I was curled up on the green over-sized armchair sitting in the corner of the room I share with Bekah. I was two hours deep, pouring through old journals from high school, writing and editing chapters for my first book. As I’ve said in the past, time is a tricky tricky vixen. Sometimes we think we remember moments in our lives exactly as if we had lived them yesterday, feeling the same emotions. And yes, I do believe there are certain memories engraved in our minds, but last night I found I had been remembering with the haze of time clouding my vision. My journals served as refreshing drops, drawing me right back into my 16, 17, and 18 year old mind.
I discovered a trend through the pages filled with my teenage handwriting; through the thoughts I was too scared or ashamed to speak out loud; through the questions, fears, and defeat I felt as I fought to tread through the waters of high school, divorce, and the future.
I spoke death over myself constantly.
The pages were riddled with horrible declarations about who I believed myself to be:
“I’m never going to be enough – not smart enough, skinny enough, pretty enough. I know it’s human nature to fall short, but to constantly do so?? What kind of indication is that?”
“Why am I even here, what good am I doing anyone?”
“I HATE MYSELF. I’m a lying jerk. A freakin’ phony. I believe it with all that I am.”
It made me so sad to read these thoughts that had consumed my mind and rooted themselves down deep in my spirit. It’s no wonder I have struggled, and sometimes still fight lies, about comparison, worthlessness, and perfectionism. Words have so much power! Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” I was speaking death over myself in every written word, in every thought of self-criticism and self-hate – on a daily basis. The destruction that caused is still in the process of being healed by my Heavenly Father today.
Lies are of the enemy. We start to twist what we believe about ourselves; we start to doubt and soon the lies seem like truth. They hinder us from understanding and living out our true identity as children of the Most High.
Even now, ten years later, having called out lies, renouncing them with God’s truth, I found myself slinking back to the insecurities…back to the lies! I literally had to say out loud to my journal, “I rebuke that in the name of Jesus!” Going back and injecting life and truth into my past memories, my past thoughts in that moment was necessary. I had to fight because I KNOW the truth of my identity – I am royalty. A beloved daughter of the King of Kings. I am worth it. I am beautiful. I am wonderfully made and need to share what I have with the world! I WILL not fall for the enemy’s tricks. God my Father has the final and ONLY say in who I am.
He’s already declared so many truths over us – why do we put up with the lies? Why do we even entertain them? Stop speaking them over yourself – stop believing them. You do this by declaring who God says you are, your true identity as a beloved son or daughter, DAILY. In the moments of struggle and doubt, verbally remind yourself of who your Father has made you to be.
We cannot walk in our true identity if lies have made themselves at home in our hearts.
I have battled and won over many lies in the past couple of years, but now, again I find myself on the front lines.
Diving back into my past is much harder than I thought it would be. It’s going to continue to be a precarious swim into the deep. Sometimes I find myself starting to drown, feeling the old hurts, believing the old lies…I’m in over my head. But with every painful breath, I feel the reassurance of my Heavenly Father’s hand holding mine. He asked me to take this plunge, but He never asked me to do it alone.
I’ve taken a deep breath and now I’m going under.
